No need to be sorry
by Alexandretta
Summary: Sheppard remembers what happened during his conversion and needs to talk about it.


Title: No need to be sorry

Rated: K

Author: Alexandretta

Pairing: Sheppard/Weir

Disclaimer: don't own anything about Stargate Atlantis

Note: My first Stargate Atlantis fic. My English is not that good and I have difficulty on expressing what I want to express but I hope you like the story.

Summary: Sheppard remembers what happened during his conversion and needs to talk about it.

* * *

He can hardly see. Darkness… feeling strong. Voices. His own voice… her voice. 

_SHEPPARD: If you won't, then kill me now. _

_WEIR: John. _

_SHEPPARD: It's better for the both of us. _

_WEIR: I can't do that. _

_SHEPPARD: Then try again._

Feeling angry… feeling strong…His hand around Elizabeth's throat…to hurt… to hurt…

"_NO !_" John woke up, out of breath in his bed. "_No…_" he murmured.

All he can think about is her. She's afraid. She's gasping for breath, trying to hold him off.

"_No…_". He got up and ran to the door.

He has to see her, he has to, it's stronger than him. He can't help it.

He knocked on her door.

"_Elizabeth ! Elizabeth !_" he called.

She opened the door and for the first time since they met, she saw a panicked John.

"_John ! What's…_" she interrupted herself. She saw it in his eyes. He remembers.

He rushed in then paced along Elizabeth's apartment a hand in his messy hair.

"_John… please calm down._"

He looked at her and his face froze. Immediately he looked down. She knows he feels guilty. That's why she never told him about it. He wasn't himself, it was the virus, not him. It wasn't his fault and she never blamed him not only because it was the true but because of her strong feelings for him too. She admitted these a long time ago. There's nothing she can do against this. He's essential in her life. He's the only one allowed on the balcony. He's the one who has an influence on her: giving good advice, taking care of her, always preoccupied if she eats enough, if she sleeps enough, he wants to be sure of her well-being.

She came closer to him.

"_John, look at me._" He looked up but avoided her eyes again. "_John_." She pleaded. Finally he locked his eyes on hers.

"_I… hurt you_." Was all he could say and those three words tightened his throat. She heard pain, guiltiness in his voice. "_I hurt you_." He repeated.

He felt on his knees his hands clenched on his thights, his eyes shut. Immediately, Elizabeth knelt down. She reached out and put her hand on his head. Seeing him so devastated was hard to bear.

"_I wish you wouldn't remember_." She said, holding her tears.

He raised his head.

"_Why ?_" he asked in disbelief looking up at her. "_You told me I didn't hurt anyone_."

"_You asked me if you hurt anyone and I answered 'not seriously'_."

"_But I did ! I did hurt someone and it was **YOU**!_" his voice cracked.

"_John, you can't blame yourself. You hear me ? You just can't !_" she insisted on this last sentence. "_You were transforming. You weren't yourself_."

"_Oh yeah ? It was my hand !_" He rose his hand in front of her. He looked at his palm. He was angry against himself but she could see the sadness in his eyes too. "_It was my fingers !_" He confessed in a breath. He reached out and touched lightly her throat with his fingertips. Elizabeth put a hand on his cheek.

"_Why haven't you tell me ?_" He took her whist in his hand to slightly take her hand off, refusing her mercy.

"_What would this have changed ? It wasn't you. I've never blamed you. That's why I've never told you. It was useless. I hoped so much you wouldn't remember because I didn't want you to feel the way you're feeling now_."

He let her hand and put his fists on his thights again. They were so clenched that his phalanges were white.

"_I'm so sorry Elizabeth_." he grunted.

"_Don't be. You don't have to be sorry for something you didn't do. Blame it on this poor young woman who infected you, blame it on the Wraith but don't blame yourself._"

Elizabeth could see a change in his eyes. Her words appeased him. She put her forehead on his. She looked at his hands still clenched and took them in hers. Immediately, his hands opened then squeezed hers. She could feel the tense in his body partially going away. They remained like this, kneeling on the floor, squeezing their hands.

Suddenly, he put off his head.

"_But…How can you be so sure, it wasn't something deep inside of the real me which was appeared because of the virus._"

"_I know you, John Sheppard. How can I think that you're responsible when some virus takes possession of you ? I know you and I was sure that you weren't the one who attacked me. I knew it wasn't you. I knew it. I saw it inthese yelloweyes.What I used to see in John Sheppard's eyes was gone at this moment. It - wasn't - you. The virus partially had you under control butyou took control backand youreleased me_."

"_I'm so sorry. Really sorry_."

"_I know you are. You have nothing to be forgiven but if you need to hear it, if it can help you feeling better: I forgive you. First, I want you to be sure I'm fine and most of all we are fine. And I'm sorry for not telling you what happened. You deserved the truth._"

"_Well, let's say I'd rather knew it from you instead from a nightmare_."

She lightly laughed. "_You're right so I could be asleep and have some rest. You always harass me: you come in my office in the evening to __force me to go to sleep and now, you wake me up in the middle of the night_."

He smiled. "_So, I'm sorry for that too_."

"_Stop saying you're sorry_."

"_But I am, Elizabeth. I am sorry for hurting you and I know you want me to feel better and I'm grateful for that…_" he took a moment to choose his words " _but I think it'll take a while. You can't blame me for that. I'm kindda relieved that you're not mad at me for trying to fix you at the wall but…_"

"_I know. All I want is you to move on_."

"_That'll be the hardest part. I'm pretty sure those images will come back and not only when I'll sleep_."

"_Probably but they'll go away._" She firmly said. She stood up lifting him pulling his arms.

"_I hope so. That will mean I'll begin to forgive myself_." He looked down at their joining hands. Then, he looked at her and saw something he saw before. That day when he was beamed back to the city by the Daedalus. They both were sure he wouldn't come back. When he did , she hugged him and when she pulled away he could feel, well, she 'liked' him a lot. That's he preferred to think. Of course, he 'likes' her a lot too but it was like they have an unsaid agreement. She's the boss. But now, she's facing him with this look; and he knows he has the same; and she's just Elizabeth the woman he simply felt in love with.

"_Elizabeth_."

"_Yes, John_ ?"

"_I want you to know_..."

"_What ?_" she tried to encourage him to keep on.

"_Hurting you is the last thing… I can't even imagine hurting you intentionally_."

"_I hope so_." She teased.

"_This nightmare is the worst I've ever had. I was hurting you and you were scared of me_."

"_What you were transforming in scared me_." She corrected him.

"_Anyway. I couldn't bare seeing this again in your eyes when you look at me_." He closed the distance between them really aware they were still holding hands.

"_You know, I have to tell you…being hurt physically or being scared at this moment had nothing to do with what I felt when Carson told me your D.N.A was beginning to be altered._" She paused. " _I… freaked out_." She confessed.

"_You ? You freaked out ?_" he teased.

"_Yes, me ! Believe it or not. For few seconds_."

"_Unbelievable !_" he exclaimed laughing.

"_I **really** freaked out. Thinking of losing you was unbearable_." Tears appeared in her eyes.

"_I'm fine now. I'm still here_." He reassured her putting his hand on her cheek.

"_Then, I was sure we could figure it out_." He saw this flame of resolution she uses to have in her eyes when she's convinced of what's right. He admires this ability she has to get a grip in few seconds.

"_And you did_."

"_Yes but you could think that I let you down when I refused to send a team back to this planet_." She looked down feeling ashamed. He put his fingers under her chin and rose her head.

"_No, you didn't Elizabeth. You're in charge and you have to take this kind of decision to protect people here. I realise you were there for me. You knew I was turning in something very… violent; tell the window about it; and you kept on coming to talk to me, alone. You were wrong for that, you have to promise me you won't do these kind of stupid thing again_."

She smiled. "_I'll do my best_."

"_I have to thank you for having been there for me_." His hand slid on her neck and she felt his thumb throbbing his cheek as he put his free harm around her waist.

She leaned on his sweet caress. "_I'll always be there, John. I'll never let you down_."

"_I know. So will I_." He kissed her strong and she kissed him back. Then he pulled back.

"_Ok John, as long as you don't try to save me, shooting the man who uses me as a human shield, again._"

"_I'll do my best_."

Fin


End file.
